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BLOG: It's always different when Daddy leaves

2009-11-29T15:25:00.002-05:00

It's always different when daddy leaves. In our household, daddy happens to be a firefighter who works 24-hour shifts. When he leaves, the baby waddles around the house clumsily looking in closets and cabinets while muttering the word "Da-deee?" The 3-year-old talks about how his dad, the policeman, is catching bad guys. (I don't know. I really don't.) And the older kids like to sometimes crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night.

The other morning, daddy had just finished a shift. He was exhausted. I could see it in his eyes, his body language. He was slouched over sitting at the dinner table telling me about how he didn't stop the entire night except for a brief 45 minutes.

And then he told me about how we needed to go to Sam's to stock up on groceries and then get the oil changed--things that needed to be done before he hit the bed for the day. And we might as well stop by Crackerbarrel for breakfast, he added, since the cabinets were completely bare.

A few moments later, I was in the bedroom standing in front of a mirror pulling my hair back into a sloppy pony tail, getting ready to leave and dreaming of cheese grits, when I overheard Hubby.

He was in the bathroom and the door was open by just a crack. "I know Mow (rhymes with cow)," he said.

He said it again, this time more slowly.
I. Know. Mow.

Well, who the heck is Mow?

I peeked in and caught him standing in front of the mirror. "I. Know. Mow," he again repeated. The 1-year-old, Baby R, was propped up on the sink. He clapped and repeated Hubby. "I. Know. Mow! Yay!"

I stood there for a second, choked up. Baby R was pointing to Hubby's face, saying "Eyes. Nose. Mouth." And Hubby, after a sleepless 24-hours, was patiently enjoying the moment.

Watching them, I was reminded of my own father. I only have one memory of him from the time when I was a small child. There were other memories from my older years, but as a small child, I have one. I am sitting on his lap and then my mind fast-forwards: I'm walking around the house asking "Da-deee?"

I remember my mom telling me that he had gone to work and would be back. I think she was secretly hoping I'd forget. I think I probably eventually did.

Thirty years later, and I'm sitting at a Thanksgiving dinner with my paternal grandparents, who had driven in to spend a few Thanksgiving hours at my brother's house, where we had Thanksgiving this year. I wanted to ask, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

Finally, right before they left to drive back home, I said it. "So, how's my dad? How's, um, John?"

It's weird because I never know how to refer to him. "He's in real estate, still plugging along," my grandfather replied.

"Yeah," I said. "Not the best time for real estate, but I'm sure he'll be fine."

Standing there, watching my Hubby and son, I recalled my own father. It's true, you know. It's always different when daddy leaves.

"The fear"

2009-01-25T10:37:00.003-05:00

I've got to figure out a way to get my old archives over here. But, oh well for now.

My life has been a big blurry, non-stop roller coaster. My husband is gone during the weekdays, and I am basically a single mom with a full-time job and a second full time job (which is the book.) And I guess being a single mom is also a full-time gig, which means that I am basically working three full-time jobs.

And it feels that way, too.

Last week, I felt like I was going to break. On Friday morning, just after 6 a.m., I was up and getting all of the kids ready. "Where are your jeans so I can iron them?" I asked my sleepy eyed daughter.

And she threw a fit and stomped her feet all the way back to her bedroom to find a pair of jeans in that jungle of a room. And I just kind of lost it.

I just started crying. Hysterically. "I. Can't. Do. This."

I stomped my own feet into my bedroom and fell into my warm blankets, and just sobbed. And sobbed.

And then my son, sensing my pain, offered to help get the 2-year-old ready, and my daughter straightened right up and we were finally out the door when I threw my glasses on, because it was still dark and I couldn't see a thing.

"Oh, great!"

One of the lenses had popped out. So, there I was, crazy-looking momma, still fighting back the tears, wearing glasses with only one lense. But at 6:30 a.m., I didn't care. I was internally daring someone, anyone to make any kind of comment about the state that I was in.

The ride back home--after dropping off four children--was a quiet one. I felt my throat tighten and there it was again, that pain. That pain in my throat that had been scaring me for a few weeks now. I decided that this would be the day I would finally take care of me.

And so I scheduled a doctor's appointment and around 10, I was leaving work to see Julia Harris, MD. I showed up with swollen eyes. The mixture between crying and the sore throat and the heaviness of what is my life right now didn't translate so beautifully.

I filled out the paperwork, quickly. And as I turned it in, the receptionist says to me "Oh, honey, we don't take that insurance."

And with that, the dam broke.

I cried right then and there. ("Oh honey, I wish you would have told me that when I CALLED!", I was thinking.")

I handed over my paperwork and stepped outside. My van was right in front of me, but instead of leaving, I just sat there on the concrete step, and buried my face into both hands. I knew I just needed five minutes.

And then I picked myself up again and went back to work. Back to the cube. Back to the fear that has overcome me within the last few weeks. You know ... "the" fear. As in, what is it's ... ? I won't even go there.

I feel ...

2009-01-18T11:14:00.003-05:00

physically ill today.

It began yesterday morning as I was flipping pancakes. With each flip, came this sort of wave of nausea, and I thought: What is that? What is that wave of nausea doing anywhere around me this morning? Get away.

I had to get myself away and I made my way to the bedroom, where hubby was sitting in front of the computer, watching these videos about knot-tieing for Fire School. "I don't feel so well," I told him.

He must have seen the look in my eye -- or the fear on my face -- when he simply said: "You are not pregnant. I know you are not."

Well, how do you know? And, I was absolutely agreeing with him 100 percent. I know, I could not. should not. better not be. You know? That would just be horrible. Three in day care?! Nope. I'd have to quit my job if that happened. I mean, what else would we be able to do.

Those were the kind of thoughts that were racing through my (already very) weary mind at the moment.

I decided I would hit the dollar store for a pregnancy test--as I have always done before. You know, I just needed to make sure, to be absolutely sure that there could be no chance, as I have a Mirena (IUD), which means that statistically, the chances of that would be about .01 percent.

But, still, the thought of it -- for me -- was rather terrifying. Three children in day care. Three whining, crying, fit-throwing children ... who are all delights, ofcourse. But, if you are a mom (or a parent), you know that raising a child is physical labor. Am I right?

And it's like at times, I wonder why I have to pay for day care. (Well, you know ... $15,000 each year is a hefty, hefty bill that we now own.) Yep. Some days, I think I should be getting a pay check for the physical, mental work that is associated with being an engaged parent.

I mean, when my children serve me up tiny tea-cups of toilet water; and when they do things like oh ... open a bottle of hair spray and put it back in your purse, then it's sometimes like ... where are the cameras? This can't be really happening to me. But, there I am in the end, and it's just me and the kids (and hubby, although he is away.)

And there is no audience. It's just me and my babies, you know. (And my baby, hubby.) And so, when my hubby comes home and tells me that on their breaks, when the other guys go to Hooters, he stays in the dorm and gets into the Word. And then, when I am driving the kids to school and my dear daughter says to me "Thank you for all you do, mom." ...

Well, that is my pay check. And they are my audience. It works, and I thank God every day for it. For them. My family.

--Oh, and ofcourse, how could I forget? The test was negative. Heh. "Thank you, Lord. You know what I can handle right now. I knew it. I always know it. Thank you, God ... "

... coming and going

2009-01-11T16:04:00.003-05:00

I'm sad today, because my hubby is leaving again. I know there is only 12 weeks left of this, so I am trying, trying to just suck it up and do it. I am super stressed about the manuscript that I am working on, simply because I do not how I am going to pull it off. I barely have time to keep my 'regular' life together; how in the world am I going to complete a decent manuscript by May 1?

Well, besides being stressed about the book ... today was a beautiful day in the Swamp (the University of Florida football stadium) in Gainesville! My family and I got to be there for the celebration of our third National Football Championship ... and for Tebow's announcement that he was staying his senior year with UF.

We missed the actual announcement because we had to leave about half-way through (kids were hungry, etc., etc.). But, we had such a blast! And, can you believe my husband tried to walk out the door wearing a red shirt?! "And ... where are you going with that red shirt?" I asked him.

"What? I left my jersey at school ..."

"Well then find something white or grey ..."

"Why?" he asked.

"Why?" "Because my husband is not going to be the only person in that whole stadium wearing an ugly red shirt!"

I think he got the point. And he donned the grey shirt. (I mean, besides, I drank toilet water yesterday. Are we all trying to drive mommy crazy here?!)

Tea party (and toilet water)

2009-01-10T19:51:00.003-05:00

So, it was all innocent enough. I was on the phone and my toddler, Eli, had been bringing me tiny, empty porcelain tea cups. "Momma! For you!" he'd squeel and I'd grab the cup and pretend-sip from it.

"Mmmmm ... Thank you!" I'd say, each time.

I had been chatting on the phone with a good friend--outside on my balcony--when I heard him again, banging on my door. "Momma! For youuuuuu!

"Okay, thank you!" And I picked up the tiny porcelain cup and pretend-sipped it; only, this time, I wasn't pretending. Water poured from the tiny cup into my mouth and onto my tank top.

"What the ...."

"What is this?!"

(In the background, I hear my daughter yell to me:)

"I saw Eli getting water from the toilet."

"Ugh! Are you kidding me?! You have got to be kidding me!!"

"Oh. My. Gosh," I said to my girlfriend on the phone. "I just drank toilet water. Ewwwwwwwwwww!!"

HAV F8TH

2009-01-07T20:14:00.005-05:00

The last two days have been somewhat of a (sleepy, achy, hurting) blur. On Sunday night, I dragged myself in to work after the baby stayed up from 3-6 a.m. I then pushed through a busy day and wanted to crash, but I had to do it all. over. again.

So, I was all stressed and crying on my way to work the other day -- after those two days sans the sleep -- and I was right around the corner from work when I looked up to see this license plate on this black beamer ... HAV F8TH. Have F ... aith.

God was speaking. And I wanted so badly to tell the driver that God was speaking to me through his license plate. But, I knew that would never and could never happen. And so I made my way to work, but the phrase kept popping in my mind the entire day and I knew that the message was clear: God was telling me to have faith. Even in the midst of all of this junk. I even called Melissa to tell her about how God had just spoken to me. She told me it was not a coincidence.

It was not an accident that I happened to get stuck behind the black beamer on Newberry Road. God needed to get a message to me ... even if it came by way of a random license plate, that I don't actually believe was so random.

Now what do I do with it?

To say I'm hurting ...

2009-01-05T20:04:00.004-05:00

would be minimizing the pain I am feeling at this moment. (I better fly through this post, I guess.) As I said before, hubby left to fire school yesterday and last night was my first full night without him by my side. I missed him dearly when I went to bed lastnight. I'm not used to an empty bed.

But, I missed him even more around 3 a.m. when I awoke to the baby screaming and trying fiercely to climb out of his little, white prison. He hung onto the bars tightly and just screamed. So, here is how the rest of my night/day went. And trust me when I say, you are not ready for this! I was not ...

• 10 p.m.: In bed.
• 10-12:30 a.m.: Tossing and turning and imagining all of the scary things that could happen without my big, strong hubby.
• 12:35: Ventured downstairs to the medicine cabinet. I needed a Tylenol PM. I figured one would take the edge of; plus my back was killing me. Pain, pain, go away.
• 3:00 a.m.: Up with the baby.
• 3:01, 3:15, 3:30 ... and on and on until 6 a.m.: Up with baby."What is wrong with you?!" I whined back at him. I believe we cried together at one point.
• 6:01: Baby sleeping, and mommy finally lays down.
• 6:10: Waken up by my oldest son, C. "It's 6:10, mom" ... "Okay, wake me up at ... nevermind. There is not time left for sleeping. Everybody rise and shine!"
• 6:30: With four kids in the mom van, we were off.
• 6:50: Baby to day care.
• 7:15: Toddler to his day care. (Yes, they go to two different places.)
• 7:30: Older kids to school
• 7:45: Home, shower and get dressed for work.
• 8:20: Pulling into work
• 1:45: Lunch break. Go home, make a quick sandwich and work on the book. (Which I do Mondays-Thursdays during lunch)
• 2:45-5: Work, work, work. Is it 5 yet?
• 5: Leave work!
• 5:30: Picking up baby.
• 5:45: Picking up toddler, with baby on hip.
• 6:15: Picking up older kids
• 6:30: Home and make dinner (Can everyone say "Frozen dinners?!")
• 7:00: Bath time, homework.
• 7:30: Help daughter study her lines for the upcoming play.
• 8:00: Blog. And now, I am ready to crash.

But, I must let the baby stay up until 9 p.m. because I MUST sleep tonight. I must. Say a prayer for me, because I have to do it ALL over again tomorrow. And for 3 months.

I just realized ... I forgot to eat dinner.

I said goodbye today.

2009-01-04T19:13:00.002-05:00

So, I said goodbye to my hubby today. He is starting fire college, and will be there for 12 weeks; to come home on the weekends only. It sucks in so many ways. He and I are truly partners who help each other 50/50. My load just got twice as heavy; and I have a book manuscript that is due on May 1st.

Not fun doing it all alone. Not fun, but also ... just hard.

I started this blog at about 6 p.m. ... and then, I had to get up to help one of the kids with something, and here it is ... 9:31 p.m. and I am just finally making back. Any sign of the things (and days) to come?

Wedding day drama!

2008-05-20T19:42:00.002-04:00

Oh my gosh. What am I supposed to do? And why do I feel like I am living in a soap opera? Okay, so I have a really, really good friend. We will call him Joe. Okay, so Joe is getting married in June, to the momma of his 1-year-old baby.

Well, Joe has a really good friend who we'll call Mike. They go out of town for weekends, they hang out. They do more than hang out. You feel me? And Joe's entire family knows about it. So, Joe's mom ends up telling the fiance that Joe and Mike maybe used to be "more than just friends."

Well, the fiance completely writes it off and says that she thinks Mike just had a crush on Joe. So, I get off the phone with Joe's brother, who is upset because he is not the best man in his own brother's wedding. Instead, MIKE IS THE BEST MAN!! So now none of his brothers want to be in the wedding, because they feel like they can't stand up there knowing what they know...that they are pretty much having an affair.

Are you freaking kidding me? (And I am supposed to be at this wedding.)

I feel bad

2008-03-24T08:41:00.001-04:00

because I have all but abandoned this blog. Although, that is only temporary. If you want to know about baby information, come over here!

g@inesvillemoms dot com

Let me know if you have any problems.

Close-talker made me sick!

2008-03-10T08:00:00.003-04:00

I know she did. So, for the last week, the close-talker that I am training has been coming to work hacking and sniffling and sneezing and half asleep because of the cold medicine she is taking. I set her up at another desk, just across from me but she would come and stand right behind me when I was editing her stuff. "I'll let you know when I'm done," I would tell her.

At one point, I just said "If you're this sick, you really shouldn't be here. Not trying to be rude or anything but honestly, I cannot be pregnant and sick at the same time. I have to come in or I don't get paid..."

And then she would back up but five minutes later, its like she had forgotten our entire conversation. You know, the way kids do. On Friday, she was so doped up on her cough medicine that in mid-sentence, she walks away from me. In my mid-sentence, that is. "Alicia," I said. "Alisia, come back please. I'm not done."

So, she's a sweetie. She really is. But honestly, I feel like she is a 15-year-old sweetie, not a 31-year-old grown up. It's so strange.

So, guess what happens to me Saturday morning? I wake up, swollen eyes, sore throat, the whole nine. In between sneezes, I said to my husband "It's that girl from work. She got me sick!"

And I have been miserable for the past two days.

Either way, on Saturday, my big brother got married. He wore a kilt! It was really cute, actually. We are Scottish and I like that he honored our heritage. I'll be posting pictures on my mom blog on Tuesday, and writing about it. I better go rest now. Thanks to close-talker, I am totally feeling miserable.

The judge was so rude!

2008-03-08T21:26:00.002-05:00

He wouldn't let my husband finish a sentence and after about 10 minutes, said "I've spent enough time on this case. Bye!" And then he hung up. He ordered the girl to drive 30 miles one way to meet us; which means, we are driving 50 miles one way. How is that fair when Florida has established visitation guidelines?! And so, we are going to file an appeal. I mean, the guidelines are the guidelines.

When hubby hung up, he was like..screw this. This makes me not want to even bother and you know what I thought? No wonder so many men throw their arms up and walk away. But I reminded him that he had a responsibility. In a nice way, I told he he had to just suck it up. She never asked to be born into this situation. So, the judge is a jerk and the mom is one, too. This child should not be punished because of the behavior of adults.

Sigh.

Well, you want to see a picture of me 38 weeks pregnant? Here you go: g@inesville moms dot com

Woo-hoo! If you haven't signed up, I totally expect you too.

Ghetto!

2008-03-07T07:57:00.005-05:00

Forgive me in advance, but I am super-annoyed today. I thought it was just me being 38 weeks pregnant. And then I realized what today was. Again, I am super-annoyed so anything is likely to come out of my thoughts.

As most of you know, I have a step-daughter, who is soon-to-be 11. Let me just explain this quickly. She and my husband were never married, never in a dating relationship. He had sex with her a few times probably around 3 a.m., right? When no one was looking, right? And of all the girls in the world that he got pregnant (back in those wild, bad boy days for him) he got the booty-call girl pregnant. You know, the one he would never take out into public. Sounds mean, but you know he was living that lifestyle for many years.

He was never with her. Never. He barely made it to the hospital when the baby was born. I know, what a crappy guy but he will even tell you how crappy he was back then. He decided he would help with the baby, but that he would never be with her. That was not going to happen.

And then he met me and that was that. We were together immediately. She never liked me back then. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was a "white girl." But, whatever. He and I have been together for more than 10 years now and she never was in the picture, except for the child.

She had refused to let him see the child for so long. I mean, she would call him and cuss him out just because she felt like it.

And then we got married and I wasn't going for it. He is my husband. No one in this world has the right to talk to him like that. (But me...lol.) And so we did everything through the court system, because she was screwing him around. One time, he drove two hours to see the child and when he got there (a pre-arranged thing) she wasn't home. He hung out until after 10 p.m. and eventually had to drive back the two hours.

She later called and was like, "Oh, my bad. She was getting her hur (hair) did." Ummm...on a school night?

Idiot.

So we finally got our court case, but we were out of state, in South Carolina. Since we were out of state, the judge ordered us to be responsible for all transportation. Which was fine. But when we moved back, we were supposed to split travel. We were having to drive 600 miles a month for visitation and according to Florida's visitation guidelines, if you live more than 30 miles apart but less than 100, you split travel.

She refused. And so we filed a new motion. She calls him at work. "You trying to take my baby. You ain't gonna get my baby!"

"I am sick of going to court!"

And the she re-opens the child support case, requesting more money.

Errrrrrghhh!

And in her reply to our summons, she talks about how "if he cared about his child, he wouldn't care about oaying for gas." Dumba**...our finances have nothing to do with caring for this child. Do you know how much gas costs these days? And she talks about how "the wife" is not welcome in her home.

I have never had anything to do with her and it just erks me that she acts like she has the right to be bitter - as if he left her for me. As if they were ever in any kind of relationship. She acts like the bitter ex-wife when she is just the bitter ex-booty call.

So she went on to have two other children, all from different men. And baby number two, she doesn't know who the dad is, so she puts MY HUSBAND'S name on her welfare paperwork as being the dad. And the state of Florida made him take a paternity test! When he called her out on it, she's all "They must got yo name from my other case."

Yeah, right.

So, she still doesn't know who that kid's dad is.

Today is our court hearing and you know me, I managed to file a motion to appear telephonically. Muwahahahaha! You don't get to see my husband in person. We requested he not travel out of the county because I am nine months pregnant and the judge approved it.

So, at 11:30, we have a telephone hearing.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

And if you didn't already know, come see me on my work blog at gainesville moms dot com
You can win gift cards, even if you don't live in Gainesville. So, support me, please! Sign up and chat with some of the other bloggers who have made their way over there. Thanks! Oh and please come by and upload some pictures for my contest. Puhlleeeeaaaasssee!!

37 weeks!

2008-02-28T20:38:00.002-05:00

Wow. I cannot believe it. I am 37 weeks pregnant. Umm, again.

I went to see my mid-wife today. She is so, so cool. She didn't make me weigh-in. And then she didn't check me. Yay! I HATE being checked.

She told me that I could be induced if I was really that uncomfortable. But I cannot bare the pressure of me choosing my baby's birth day. That, and I truly believe that my body knows what to do with itself and with this little being. I have always believed that, in cases of low-risk pregnancies, moms should just let it happen.

Do you guys remember when I went two weeks over with Eli?! Maybe you do not, but I (ofcourse) totally do. So, this should be interesting. What is number four going to bring my way? And what will number four be? A boy, a girl? All of these surprises. It's kind of fun, but making the wait super hard.

Keep up with me. And if you haven't yet read about the lady who left her kids in the waiting room for me to babysit! You have got to read me at work. I mean, who does that? Can anyone tell me! And thanks Tina for stopping by the job blog. I totally agreed with your comment. Again, who does that?

Oh, and Melissa, where the heck are you?

Me, at work: g@inesville moms dot com

Close talker...get away!

2008-02-26T22:02:00.002-05:00

So I have been training the girl (and I don't know why I call her a girl. She is my age.) who will be taking over for me during maternity leave. She is driving me c-razy! "Pull up a chair," I tell her on day one.

By day two, I actually turned around and pushed her chair away from me. I didn't even care what she thought. I couldn't take it another minute. I tried to be cool. But, she was breathing on me and like, I could feel her breath on my arm! Maybe the regular Suzy could have handled that. Maaayyyybe. But, not the almost 9-month pregnant Suzy. No. I pushed her away and said "Look, I am sorry. I am a little claustrophobic."

And then I totally blamed it on the pregnancy. And then, when she started smacking her gum in my ear, I turned around and gave her the craziest look. "What, oh, is my gum-chewing bothering you?"

Yes! And you need to back up! Again, I pushed her away from me. You know, gently. But, why didn't she just understand the first time that I do not like people breathing on me. I don't even like when my own kids do that. So, yeah, the close-talker/trainee is driving me crazy. I am so glad that she will be in when I will be out.

2008-02-23T14:06:00.003-05:00

Ahhhh..I'm liking the new look. I feel like I bought a new summer dress or something. Feels nice and breezy. Speaking of summer dresses, I just took my daughter shopping for her birthday outfit. I guess she's getting to that age where clothes are cooler than toys. I told her she could choose one thing - a toy or an outift and she chose the outfit.

We found the cutest cotton dress in Ross for $7.99! I didn't realize what great prices they had on kids' clothes. We also bought a pair of jelly shoes to match ($5.99) Tonight, we are going to buy some bracelets and a pair of earrings to top everything off. So much fun! I am so, so glad that I have a girl to do things like this with. I love that her dress matches our home-made invitations. (I'll post some pictures)

So next week is the birthday party - birthday number 7. This is the first time we have invited the whole class. It has always been you know, family and my friends and their kids. But this year it's different.

Well, I am going to do some more shopping and planning. I know I sound weird but I have a budget and I actually love the challenge of getting everything done, creatively, on a budget.

Date night

2008-02-22T07:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I felt like I totally needed and deserved a date night when I got home from work. But with three kids (and the belly) where were we really going to go at the last minute? And so I decided the kids should go to bed a little bit early, I would take a steaming hot shower, get that bra off (yes! relief!) and we would order Chinese and watch a movie.

Date night for $12. Yep, that's all we spent. Hubby and I split our meal, something I like to do a lot. We split a thing of steamed dumplings, an egg roll, sweet-and-sour chicken and rice. It was scrumptious in all its greasiness. (Which is why I rarely do Chinese.) But I had this intense craving around lunchtime that I never got to fulfill.

We began watching the Democratic debate, but I refused to spend date night that way. Come on, you know I had to treat this like a real date, right? And so we watched a movie of his choice, one we had around the house but had never watched. (Or I had never watched.)

He promised it was not an action movie, and so I was okay with investing my time into the lives of these characters. Who has seen The Departed? So, for two hours, I watched this cop-gone-bad/mob-guy-undercover movie. I couldn't follow the storyline because there was so much going on. Finally there was a love interest, who ended up getting pregnant from Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio's character, I am still not sure which one. And then in the last five minutes of the show, all of the characters get blown away.

No, no action at all. I was so mad. "I just invested my time into all these characters and this is it? They're just all dead...heads blown off?! Okay, this is why I watch movies like the Notebook."

Well, it was around midnight when we went to bed. I didn't let him touch me, lol. Because my body is so achy. And so instead of actually having sex, I dreamt about it. Okay, I guess that's the next best thing. But not for him, eh?

In a few hours, I go to my doc appointment. I have four weeks left. Can you believe it?! I'll give you an update, either here or on the mom site. Am I getting hard to keep up with? Yeah, I can barely keep up with myself these days...

I suck

2008-02-18T20:15:00.002-05:00

as a blogger lately. Maybe it's because I am huge and fat and canhardleybreathe!

I don't know. I just haven't been really inspired to write anything lately. I almost do not want to write anything lately because I feel like I have this love-hate relationship with writing. I absolutely love to do it; but I am struggling to do it professionally and make ends meet. And that makes me wish I was a nurse or something; anything other than an aspiring writer. Yes, I think I should label myself aspiring until I can even make a living.

As far as work goes, I think I am going to stay at my job until I have this baby. Which, okay, is only a few weeks. And then, I will be looking for full-time work elsewhere. It's hard because I love my work place, except for a few evil people..hehe. But things are really bad in newsrooms everywhere. People just don;t buy newspapers anymore, but why buy them when you can get the info. free online?

Lastweek, they fired (or let go) a women who has been in the newsroom for 35 years! She just walked out and has refused to come back to the office. She asked someone else to box up her items. Imagine cleaning out your desk after 35 years.

I remember when I wanted so badly to be married, how my heart felt. And that is exactly how I feel about being settled these days. I just want a great job that I love that pays me well so my family can be settled. I am so tired of trying to make ends meet. I am tired of the what-ifs, of barely scraping by. I am just...

tired.

And I want to be settled.

The crazy phone call explained...

2008-02-13T19:09:00.002-05:00

Turns out that my husband had planned a surprise baby shower for me! Only my friend, G, thought that I had called her for directions to my baby shower - to a baby shower she was not invited to. Hahahaha. Now we can all sit back and laugh, right?

I have to say that he totally spoiled me. And since I already wrote about it, I will just send you that way:)

gainesville moms dot com

See the blog!

Oh, and check out my thread of The Child Care Crisis. It was getting pretty heated the last time I checked...

Be sure to...

2008-02-11T20:35:00.000-05:00

take the poll on my web site if you are a mom, and if you have ever thrown a birthday party. The two kind of go hand-in-hand, don't they? Oh, yes and I figured out that CRAZY phone call I got my girlfriend. Will blog that either tonight or tomorrow. My body just aches so much right now. I need a soft bed:)

Go take the poll....

gainesville moms dot com

Stuck on 45.

2008-02-08T19:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, the web site. Thank you guys soooo much for registering, those of you who did. And PLEASE -- if you registered, but I didn't email you the name, please let me know. I may have lost a couple of people in the shuffle of things and those were not my intentions.

The deal is that this week, I have been kind of stuck on 45 registered members and you know, I have been watching it like a hawk. But that's cool. I just need to network myself. My friend asked me the other day if I would send her an email every day to nudge her to check out the site.

"No, I will not," I said.
"But if it's about your numbers..."
"I want your support, but only if you are genuinely interested," I said.

People who register once and never come back actually hurt me because they expect so many hits and comments per registered user per month. So, I just can't win...lol.

Although it has been really cool to connect with some of you guys on the mom site. I have really enjoyed it.

Today, I called the mortgage company, as in the executive office. Someone finally called me back and we discussed what happened to my husband - how he now has a foreclosure on his credit because of their shady practices.

"Well it says here that we needed more documentation and we never received it," she said.

"Actually, you received everything. But, by the way, what was the information you needed? I'd like to know."

"It doesn't say in the file."

They apparently needed it so badly that they never documented what they needed. I see.

Only problem and this was a HUGE problem: My realtor had destroyed our file after the foreclosure so our hands were tied. We couldn't prove what we had sent in and when. And their file said differently.

DAMN. IT!

Only.......I am so amazing that I made copies of everything, including the deposit check from the pre-approved buyers with dates, showing when and where we faxed our information. A-ha! I don't even remember why I made the copies, but I did.

So, I tell her, "Okay, I see you cannot help me. But I have copies of everything from that file...the check, dates, faxes, names...and I suppose we will have to get your records subpoenaed as well. I will be in touch with my attorney. I was just hoping to resolve this with you guys first..."

"Well, what resolution do you want?"

Oh, now she wants to talk. I see.

I want the foreclosure OFF of my husband's credit report. It should not be there based on what happened.

She said she would look into it and call me back within a week.

Yes, we are getting somewhere! And if they do nothing, it sounds like we really have a good case on our hands. Although, I do not want to go through the headache of actually getting an attorney. If they can magically erase their mistake from the credit report, then we are good. I am praying that it goes that smoothly. I am thinking they are more worried about covering their butts than anything else.

And since I have the proof...them covering their butts may just work out to our benefit. Thank you , Lord!

Someone is playing a mean trick on me...

2008-02-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

Everything is just annoying me today! I seriously think it may be because of the pregnancy -- that girl in church the other day who kept smacking her gum! My co-worker who kicks his desk like a 5-year-old, constantly as if he is drumming out some beat. And then my friend G calls me at work today, and so I answer:

"Suzy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I don't know..stuff. Why? Wait, you sound like you are mad. What's the deal?"

"Well, I am kind of mad at you. But, I need you to tell me what you did this weekend..."

"Umm, went to the park, a kids' birthday party, a health fair, church...Wait, why?"

"Well, maybe it wasn't you then. Maybe I am wrong."

"Seriously, tell me what you are talking about."

"No, I can't. Oh, I gotta go. I'll call you back."

She doesn't call back and so I call her.

"You seriously need to tell me what you are talking about."

"No, I can't. It must have been a mistake."

"Okay, I will not be offended. But, I will be offended it you don't tell me."

"Ummm, okay, you never said thank you for me giving you directions to the health fair."

"First of all, yes, I did say thank you. I remember that vividly. And second of all, you are bs'ing me. You are totally lying. You would never call me about that..."

And that was it. She had to go again.

So, I'm driving home, thinking, what? Did someone think they saw me with another man? Or like falling on my face drunk in a bar? I don't know. It was a really bizarre phone call - unlike any I have ever had from her before. She's just not one to be weird.

So, maybe someone, maybe God, maybe the universe, is playing a mean trick on me. When she shows up to the Super Bowl party, there will be no food. When she shows up to the family group, she will have to sit in a prayer circle, with a bunch of quiet wall-flowers; oh and when she answers her phone at work, it will be G, asking her what the hell she did this weekend but refusing to explain.

Maybe God is just having some fun with me because I am big and miserable and pregnant. And please do not add to my list of things to get annoyed about by responding that "God would never..." I am not being super-religious here. But, you would have to know my personality to get that.

Anyone care to join in on the fun?

Super Bowl "gathering..."

2008-02-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

Just got home from a Super Bowl party that turned out to be more of a "gathering."

I think that Scott and Melissa spoiled us in South Carolina. When they said party, they meant it. They would have tons and tons of good food, drinks (although Melissa and I were always pregnant...lol) and we'd just relax. I always felt super comfortable. But honestly, it all begins with food. I know that sounds crazy, but our pastor today was talking about how Jesus did his greatest miracles around food and how when there is food, people relax and really open up.

So, we went to this church group last weekend - Sunday at 6 p.m. We called to ask what kind of dish to bring. They said "don't bring a thing!" I took this to mean that oh, you guys are new. Let us feed you.

So, we walk in around 6:30 p.m. with three hungry kids and two very hungry adults and there is one bag of chips on the counter top. No food cooking, nothing. I looked at my husband in desperation - I had skipped lunch because I figured I'd really eat a good dinner.

There was a diet coke bottle and potato chips and I wanted to just pass out. The women immediatley split into a separate group. There were 5 of us. While the men were in the living room laughing it up, we were in the bedroom...in a prayer circle. Now, don't get me wrong. I love to pray. But I had never met these women before and I was STARVING. I kept thinking about what I was going to eat when I got home.

It was way too quiet. There were like these long moments of silence, when someone would wait for someone else to begin praying. After an hour, I excused myself "to check on the baby," and to search the diaper bag for a granola bar, gold fish, cracker, banana, anything. There was nothing.

30 minutes later, the women were finally wrapping up. It was 8 p.m. I thought it was over when, we began Bible study. I gave my husband the look - pregnant woman needing to eat NOW! Eli was super cranky. He needed food, too; and at that point, I told my husband we needed to go.

I just couldn't make the baby wait for food.

At home, we all scarfed down our dinner. And I thought, never again can I do that. Hubby later called the husband over the group and as they chatted, he asked him...so, do you guys ever do food? (I mean, we are a family group with about 8 kids and we meet at dinner time.)

And he said that they NEVER do food. Okay, what? Are you serious?

I know maybe I sound really stuck up about this, but I am not being funny, I am just being a mommy. 5:30 is too early too eat if we try to do so before-hand; and 8:30 is WAY too late.

So, the same group was having a Super Bowl party. And if you say party, I think food. I just can't help myself. We brought a huge dish of Voila! - you know, the chicken and noodles and vegetables.

Well, aside from a couple (and that means like 2!) dishes of appetizers, that was it. It was actually the only real food there unless you count the potato chips and the diet soda.

I thought to myself, I am never coming back. So here I am, at home, eating a bowl of cereal to tame my grouchy tummy.

And I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, I just take things like this and they become lessons for me. Maybe one day, we will lead some kind of group and I will know to serve food. Food is very, very important - especially at dinner time and if you throw the word party in the mix.

I had gone over there with intentions of taking pictures of our party to post on the mom site since I have been asking other people to do so. And I got nothing! If you have anything, feel free to share them on my mom site. I may be hearing crickets on this one, since I couldn't even produce pictures....

Do I have any right?

2008-02-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

Grrrr..I am feeling super frustrated, but don't really know if I am just expecting too much from people or what. Yes, I have heard that if you don't expect anything at all, that you will never be disappointed.

But, shouldn't you expect things from the friends in your life?

So everyone knows about my mom site. And I mean, they plastered it in the paper with my picture and are continuing to do ads and stuff. I get calls from friends who say, I saw the ad. And I tell them, go check it out and sign up. (As in, this is my job, you guys. Please be supportive.)

And L, I am not talking about you since you are not a mom. I mean, you are telling other moms and word-of-mouth is exactly what I need.

But I told a close friend of mine to sign up. Because, you know, I would totally do it for her, and when she didn't...I just figured, well she's never online. That is, until she called and said "I saw your message about the site on My Space."

Well, there goes that excuse.

I don't know, there are only like a few people that have kind of let me down. Simply because I know the kind of friend I am. I know I would do anything any one of these girls asked me to do. In a heart beat. And then, I get this overwhelming support from my online people and it's like...but, come on, you guys are my real life friends. What is the deal?

So, I am leaving it alone. Just needed to vent, I guess. And maybe I shouldn't expect certain things from friends, but I do expect some level of support. And it's not even about me getting more people registered. It's really about the action of doing it as a symbol of support -- not in the name of numbers, but in the name of friendship.

No pressure...no pressure at all.

2008-02-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

So, the mom site has been up for a few weeks and today, I met with our online editor. We chit-chatted for a few minutes before she broke it down for me: They are seriously, seriously watching my traffic. She told me about projected hits - unique visitors, page views, registered members - she wanted during the month of February. Said she was looking to have 10,000 page views; an estimated 8 posts per member per month; and double the number of registered members.

Yikes.

And then she gave me this whole spiel about how "I cannot stress to you how great this is for you for visibility. I mean, staff writers don't get this kind of visibility. You have the publisher watching this site like a hawk and that's because MJ has said that we are going to have these mom sites and they are going to be successful...and when MJ says jump, all of the publishers say how high?"

Yikes.

"Okay, now that I have instilled the fear of God in you..." she says, laughing.

I, too, was laughing. "No, no, that's great. I love being visible. I eat it up."

"Well, if this is successful, you have no idea how good this can be for you..."

But you know me, I stopped leaning on the what-ifs a while ago - professionally at least.

So, all that to say...YIKES.

So, who is MJ? Just one of the top, top dogs at the NY Times. What's funny, is that I hear she reads my blog. Not this one, though. Heh.

Holly...

2008-01-29T23:15:00.000-05:00

I emailed you the secret name, but the email bounced right back. So, no I am not forgetting you. I couldn't track you down though...email me at faithinfloridablog at yahoo dotcom, and I will email you right back. Thanks so much for the support!!!

Laugh with me...(Bon Qui Qui)

2008-01-28T20:56:00.001-05:00

Please help me!

2008-01-26T10:51:00.000-05:00

A part of my new job is as editor of this new mom site. There are four of us - four papers owned by the New York Times that have launched a new mom site, which means there are four mom site editors. And even though we have been launched by the same company, we are our own competition.

You know how that goes right. In-house competition? So, I just started posting; we just started advertising and all that good stuff, when I get this email yesterday. "I'm a little concerned that things are slow on your site...Go take a look at what your competition is doing..." errrrrrr.

It's kind of like a blog, though. It takes a little while for people to really know you are there; and it takes even longer for people to connect with you, if it is going to happen at all.

So, I am reaching out to my moms (and women) online. This is a local resource for moms in my area, but you know-- it's still me-- with a blog and I am talking about things that every mom can relate to. I wanted moms not just from G-ville to be able to be a part of this; but from all over the world. We'll just call that my own vision.

Many of you know about the struggles I have been going through at work - trying to find my place as a writer and being super frustrated as the doors keep closing in my face. The good news in my mind is that I feel like I have made an online presence for myself with the blog and I am hoping this will be even bigger.

One of the presidents of the company, a woman, decided she really wanted to do these mom sites after a meeting between NYT and Boston Globe. She is the president of the entire southeastern division of the NYT. So, I really feel like this is my time to do something regardless of....well, let's leave it at that.

So here is where you come in. And, of course, I want this to be genuine as always. I am kind of recruiting moms to come to my site. And although you will be doing me a huge favor; I hope to return the favor over there. I think we can have a lot of fun with this.

You have to register, but it's really simple. Here's an added bonus: you get to see the picture that I HATE! that they have plastered all over the place - in ads, on the site. They put up the wrong picture, but that is lower on the list of priorities for the design guys. But, on the top of my list, right?

The photo guy, I swear, made me pose. And I am so not a poser. You won't find any glam shots in my livingroom. I like the sweeter, much lower key picture. Hopefully, soon to be up. Plus, look at how big I look!!

So if you are on your way to inspect my ginormous picture that I hate, please do me a favor and register as well. You don't even have to be a mom...I will be looking for you guys.

The first 20 to sign up get free glamour shots on me....hahahaha.

Okay, okay, so you really want to make things interesting? Hmmm. I am thinking. Okay, so my husband is in LOVE with this name for the baby. In love, as in "God told me that was supposed to be the name." I do not totally agree. Although, I'm kind of cool with it. Here's the deal...whenever I tell a friend the name, they say, WHAT are you naming you baby? WHAT?!

And I am at the point, because I am so annoyed by people, that I just want to do it - just to piss them off even more. Heh. So, if you register, I promise to tell you the name. I know it's not much, but it's not like I can pass out giftcards. Oh, and by the way, the name WILL NOT be revealed on this site after the baby is born. I have decided not to do that, because - trust me - there will only be one of these in the world. Yeah, I don't really know what I am getting myself into.

(He had to pull the "God Told Me" card, right?)

So, here are the instructions: Register and then introduce yourself under TALK. That is how I will know you registered and that is your ticket to the name:-) Make sure you include an email here (under comments) so that I know where to send you the secret name:-) Sometimes tracking down an email can be very tricky on certain web sites. So, please make this easy for me.

And for bonus points: Add an avatar, please!! You can find the directions (very, very easy) under talk and then under FAQ's. But really, really, I want to stress to you that I appreciate the support!

The site is gainesville moms dot com

Rainy day...

2008-01-23T20:52:00.000-05:00

Rain, rain, go away. Or should I say tears, tears go away.

Today, was such a bad, sad, mad day. To understand this completely, you would have had to read my secret post. And let me first of all apologize to any and every one who requested the password, only to be disappointed that the post was not about sex or cheating or lying or anything top secret like that. I should have called it protected post. (And I know most of my readers were not disappointed that there was nothing steamy, but a few were and I'll just leave it at that.)

Mainly, I needed support but couldn't explain the situation because I couldn't risk a certain person (who it is about) reading it. The results could have been devastating and look, I need to put food on the table, okay?

So I am going to finish this post as a protected post, not a top-secret post. Same password.

Changes...

2008-01-22T17:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I have decided that since I now have multiple blogs...I am going to post titles here if the post is a duplicate one. I usually write two versions - one for you guys and one for the mom blog. But unless there are some juicy details that I really need to write about, please read my posts over at my mom blog - and even comment there. I read all of the comments.

Oh, and you want to hear something funny? In my recent post titles "Walking down the aisle...8 months pregnant," I got the FUNNIEST comment from a Mrs. Branch. And this is how I know that we have Christianity all wrong. I immediately imagined that she was some Bible-toting church lady. You'll see what I mean. I could be wrong, but it's just what was in my head. (Which, by the way, is not always right at all!)

So, here is your title for this week. Enjoy:
"Craving food and friends."

You can find it at mom blog at g@inesville dot com

I can finally breathe!

2008-01-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

Sort of. Though, this baby in not helping any.

Mentally, the last two weeks have been especially draining. Last week, I was in a wedding and this week, I had a baby shower in Jacksonville to go to. And in between, I had one magazine feature, one magazine news story and a couple of news pieces at the paper. I simply wanted to hide under my blankies, when I got two last-minute freelance requests. One was from a brand new editor, who I have never worked with. You know, I can never say no even when I am swamped - because those checks always save us.

I woke up Friday morning and said "I do not want to do this day." I gave myself about an hour before I forced myself to sit in front of my computer and stare at a blank screen. And then I started feeling like crap, and ended up calling into work. Which, probably was for the better, since I had just forced myself to stay home - something I needed to do with this story.

By late Friday, I was wrapping up a meticulous feature story and my body was just begging me to stop. This morning, though, my step-sister was having her baby shower (we are only two weeks apart!); and since she is moving to Ohio in two weeks, I knew I couldn't miss it. I rushed around, trying to get the boys ready to go to Grandma's; picking up a gift; and grabbing lunch before leaving town a full hour late.

The shower was at 1:30; I showed up at 2:30. But when another girl showed up at 3:45 for a 1:30 shower, I didn't feel so bad. Of course, I stuffed myself. Jessica, my step-sister, kept telling people "She's having her fourth! Doesn't she look great?!"

And I kept thinking, have you seen my profile lately? I feel super fat, and those pictures we just took, I think they are my proof. Heh. We - my daughter and I - stayed until about 5, playing games, eating, chatting...you know, girl stuff.

I stepped out the door to leave and felt like Jessica had brought Ohio to us. It was freeeeeeezing and rainy and grey and soggy. Yucky! The rain pounded the windshield and I could barely see two feet in front of me. My phone rang.

"The weather's really, really bad," he said. "Be careful."
"Well, I'm sure talking on my cell phone doesn't help any."

It was my husband. Funny thing is that I knew he would call to check on me. Lately, he has been super sweet and super, just caring. I don't know what to think, the little girl in me thinks it's almost laughable that someone cares about me so deeply. But I absolutely embrace it.

When I got home, he greeted me with a "Hello beautiful."

"Hello bountiful," I said back to him. "What?"

"Bountiful, as in a lot."

"A lot of what?"

"A lot of good stuff."

It's good to be us again.

It's up

2008-01-18T17:50:00.000-05:00

The Top Secret Post, heh. If you want the pw, email me at faithinfloridablog@yahoo.com so that I don't have to find all of your email addys. Trust me, I can't handle another thing on my plate. Not even that:)

Stace, you better be on that list (and Melissa and...)

Top secret!

2008-01-17T17:44:00.000-05:00

Well I figured out that Word Press is only good for one thing, private posts!

I am on my way over there to talk about something that has been really, really weighing on me but I haven't been able to blog about it because I don't really know who reads my blog and I just can't take that chance.

If you are a regular and I recognize you, I will give you the password.

So, go here for that post. Not up yet but will be as soon as I put the kiddies in bed.
faithinflorida.wordpress.com

Unveiled

2008-01-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

Drum roll please...

So, I have been working on something that I want to unveil to my readers. However, I am going to make you wait! And you have to promise to support me and possibly register to comment. (Okay, I know that is a lot to ask from some, or many of you.) Oh, and please promise not to tell me that I look like I am not pregnant. No, in this picture I look ginormous!

Some of you may find it before the unveiling here, but for the rest, I'll give it a few days in hopes that I can get my picture changed before you see it. Muwahawaahha! (I spelled that totally wrong, didn't I?) How do you spell the evil laugh anyway?

Hurts. so. much.

2008-01-12T20:14:00.000-05:00

My feet that is. They are killing me.

It began around 9 a.m. this morning, when I had to meet my friend, the bride-to-be, at a hair salon along with the other two bridesmaids. Now, the wedding was at 1 and let's just say I had to drag myself to that hair appointment and slap a smile on my face. I so did not want to leave my home 4-5 hours before the actual wedding, but what could I do?

After the hair appointment, everything seemed to be a mad rush, a blur.And around 11:30, we made it to the church and began getting ready, all while trying to avoid the wedding planner who was super hard core and super controlling. I had heard of bridezillas before, just not wedding planner-zillas, or whatever the term for that would be. She was pretty pissed at us for avoiding her all morning and ignoring her obsessive phone calls but she was stressing the bride out, so what could we do?

I slipped into my size 18!!!! dress, which had to completely altered to fit me. The only thing a size 18 fits on me is my huge belly at this point. Then, there were pictures and more pictures and the fixing of hair and makeup and oh, my feet were already killing me.

I was nervous, the first to walk (waddle) down the aisle and feeling like I would lose my balance at any moment. My heart raced but I made it through just fine. Just after 1, the bride walked down the aisle. The groom cried, which was sweet.

And I scanned the room for the bride's mother. My heart broke for her when I realized that her mom was a no-show. She had no family there, at all. Her half-brother was the only one who showed and he walked her down the aisle.

Dad, who she was really close with, had died just after she graduated high school. She wore a silver bracelet with her name engraved in it, on her right wrist. It was a gift her father had given her for her 18th birthday, just months before he died.

I knew she was hoping that her mom would show. And when I saw her search the pews with her eyes, it hurt - way more than my swollen feet did.

That almost made me cry.

I was happy for her, though, because she has found a man who is now her family. Her husband is her only family, really. And for so long, I always felt like she was so alone. Because she was.

But, not anymore.

So the wedding was beautiful, but why is there always that one girl at the wedding, dancing like crazy, acting silly and not wearing a bra? Never seems to fail. I wanted to ask someone, "Who's the chic not wearing a bra?"

Instead, I slapped on a smile (again) and took off my shoes. Yes, that works.

..and exhale.

2008-01-09T09:00:00.001-05:00

I'm fine, just going through some things. Being pregnant doesn't help. In fact, being pregnant actually provokes the emotions. I think what it boils down to is needing to feel safe. And with the finances not behaving themselves and the thoughts of hubby doing the same, well it makes me feel unsafe.

I thought about it a lot recently and realized that it goes back to my childhood for me.

I remember never feeling safe. My dad left when I was two or three, with no explanation. And, as a teenager, my mother was always kicking me out of the house. I never knew when it was really safe for me to stay. I never knew when I woke up that morning, if I'd be able to lay my head down on my pillow that night.

It was awful.

And so there you have it.

Every woman needs to feel loved, and for me, that means feeling safe. It simply boils down to not feeling safe when he made those phone calls. All of a sudden, he symbolized my entire childhood.

You know, I am okay. We women are complicated creatures, aren't we?

Oh and I almost forgot: Thanks to everyone who helped out with my recipe dilemma. I posted a couple (at work) and will do some more.

Smothered

2008-01-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

** Grown-up post **

It began yesterday when I found an envelope on the table. This gifted school was recruiting for their program and they were asking me to bring my child to its open house. The school happens to be the same one where hubby's ex works/used to work. And I was flooded by thoughts of...frustration by what happened this time last year. The feeling of abandonment and rejection always comes over me. But, mostly of betrayal.

I shoved those thoughts to the side and moved on for the day. That afternoon, I found a little surprise in my mailbox. GFF had sent me a Red Lobster gift card! (And I was just saying the other day how I wanted Red Lobster, but that it would be a while.) My mother had taken the other two children, so it was just us (and Eli) for a romantic night out.

I was stuffed when I walked through the door that night. Stuffed and semi-satisfied by our evening together. I was still feeling that tug from earlier. Over dinner, I was looking at him in a somewhat different light. I was seeing the guy who had...

hurt me so many times.

But again, I shoved it to the side.

Later that night and in bed, we were topping off our romantic night. Gosh I hate giving these details. But here goes. He was on top of me when I just felt this overwhelming pressure. My belly was hurting. He tried to kiss me and I just screamed, "Get off! Get off of me!"

"What are you talking about?!" he said, without moving.

I screamed again. "Get off!"

I felt like I was being smothered. I couldn't breathe. For one second, it was because of my stomach. But then something else grabbed a hold of me, and it was the core of me- my emotions, my pain. He was that guy who had hurt me so many times and I just wanted him off.

I was crying and trying to catch my breathe. He was frantic, thinking that maybe something was wrong with the baby. I couldn't even speak. I could just sort of cry and pant. I felt like I would pass out. The emotions were too strong.

And I simply said. "My belly. My belly hurts."

"But I am fine."

Although, I was not. I am not.

Help me!

2008-01-04T14:56:00.000-05:00

Help me! Help me!

Okay, it's not that dramatic but still, help me! help me!

momblog dot gainesville dot com

The boy loves his pink guitar, what can I say?

2007-12-28T21:33:00.001-05:00

Ahhh..I love irony or whatever you would call it. So Christmas morning, my daughter f-reaked when she saw her beautiful pink and purple guitar under the tree, sent to us by the angel mommy of an angel friend:-) (Read about my special angels here: mom blog at gainesville dot com)

So, it was 4:30 a.m. Yes! 4:30 a.m. when the baby just happened to wake up. And since he was up, we thought...might as well. Naomi ran out into the living room and discovered her guitar. And as soon as Eli saw it, he squealed. He screamed. He jumped up and down.

I handed him a pile of wrapped gifts, and he just stared at them. You know, we have been telling him for 2 weeks "No!" when he touches the gifts and all of a sudden, we were telling him to rip them open. I think he was a little confused. Either way, he paid no attention to the wrapped gifts. He only had eyes for Naomi's guitar.

The screams were driving me crazy when, I had this thought. "Where is that pink little piece-of-crap guitar?" Husband grabbed it from the cupboard and the baby's eyes got huge! He grabbed it and played it (and by play, I mean he pounded on it.) Oh and what was I thinking? This guitar does make sound....when you pound on it with your hands.

And apparently, that is good enough for Eli.

For the rest of the day, he carried that thing around with him, even bringing it with him as we walked out the door. And it is the perfect size for him. I think he's the only one whose okay with a guitar that makes "no real sound" as the evil e-bay seller told me.

I just can't wait until the day that Eli is this big, hefty football player and I pull out the pictures of his most favorite Christmas gift, the pink guitar. Now that would be funny. I know, I'm bad.

So my other friend, Leslie, gave us this little old-man chair that reclines. And can I just tell you that Eli is in heaven...a little pink guitar and a blue old-man recliner?

I love when things work out this way. Oh, and p.s....big fat (me) pregnant pictures at Disney to be posted this weekend.

Does he not look extremely content and giddy in this picture?

How cute is this recliner? He is obsessed!

Brief, because I am on a break at work

2007-12-24T12:05:00.001-05:00

So, if you haven't caught my latest post at work - the one entitled "Life: One chapter ends, another begins," you have to go read the comments. I couldn't believe (okay, I guess I can because people always say the dumbest things,) when someone had the nerve to comment...of all the things in that post...about my Wal-Mart remarks.

I responded, but then erased my response. And then when I got to work today and checked my comments, I was just tickled pink because apparently I have readers, who seem to know me through my writing. I was just touched I guess that I didn't even have to respond...that my readers did it for me. Even if it was just two.

My readers are so cool, especially the ones that are still hanging around here:-)

And if you get a chance, (and if you have an opinion about this one,) I'd like to hear what we are all thinking about soon-to-be-mommy Jamie Lynn Spears.

See me here: momblog.gainesville dot com

Thanks!!

Girls are so complicated.

2007-12-20T10:17:00.000-05:00

After work, I headed over to the bridal shop. Yes, I will be walking down the aisle again. But, this time, 8 months pregnant; and this time, as a bridesmaid. (Well, that's good, right?)

I cannot wait to see how HUGE I look in this bridesmaid dress. Oh wait a minute, yesican.

Well, I am one of just three bridesmaids. And can I just say that I am super-thrilled to finally be a bridesmaid. I am 31 years old, and I have never been a bridesmaid. My best friend did not have bridesmaids in her wedding and another girlfriend stopped talking to me right before she got engaged.

So, I finally get my time to shine. (just kidding) So, there we are - the bride, me and the maid of honor - at the bridal shop last night, which is where the maid of honor actually works.

So, bride tries on one, two, three dresses. They were pretty, but I kept telling her. "It's just not the one, I think I'll know when I see it."

And when she walked out with dress number four on, I gasped. OHMYGOSH! That's it. That's "the one!" The maid of honor was quiet and didn't say one word. Meanwhile, I was gushing.

Bride asked her what she thought. "Well, I don't want to say anything because I don't want to sway you in one direction or the other."

"But that's what you are here for."

She was quiet and then she said, "I like the last one." And you know I had to chime my big mouth in. "No, this one has the "it" factor. It is breathtaking." And it was.

Right before we left, maid-of-honor stuck the dress back on the rack. "Can't you hold it, or put it away for me?" bride asked.

"It's not going to sell in one day," she said. And just left it there.

I called bride this morning to ask her if everything was okay with maid-of-honor. Not really. She has been planning her wedding for years and has been withdrawn when it comes to this wedding, which will be in three weeks.

See what I mean, girls are so complicated. Just because your BFF is getting married, doesn't mean that your dreams are shattered. Girls are super jealous. I had a girl stop talking to me when I got engaged before she did. And everything was fine until that point. After my honeymoon, she never spoke to me again.

So looks like maid-of-honor isn't planning a wedding shower or lingerie shower. So I have officially - big belly and all - taken over. I mean, the wedding is in THREE weeks and there are no plans at all.

Do you think that men sit around right before a wedding, all depressed. "I really wish I could be the one getting married. I think that cumberbund would look way better on me. I have been dreaming of it for three years."

Uh, no, they don't.

#3 never responded!

2007-12-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

I sent her two emails yesterday and another today, so maybe that is God saying no to her. Although I did like what someone said to me in a comment, that it is more about what my children are learning than about who gets the gift. That stuck with me.

So, I guess it's down to #1 and #2, unless I hear from #3 shortly. (I even checked my spam folders...nothing.)

Help me decide.

2007-12-17T17:57:00.000-05:00

My son and daughter are both doing a Christmas outreach this year. We decided that we would do this with the kids each year. And so, my son decided that he would give his Playstation 2 to a needy family/kid. As for my daughter, we are collecting dog food for the pets of homeless people. I will write more about this later.

So, we listed the item on Freecycle because so many people have certainly helped us out by giving us things through Freecycle. I got like 40 responses and finally just combed through them all. I know people use Freecycle just to get free stuff, but some people really need the stuff and so I just prayed that God would help me choose the right one. These are the ones that kind of stuck out to me. Who do you think should get it?

1. Hi, I am going to submit to the item that you have, and hope you will understand what I am saying. My son is grown in body only but he is not grown in his mind. He is disable and we are fighting to get him help and it is hard. I am a disable Vietman Vet. and only get certain amount of $ per month, trying to keep our heads above the water, we did have a few $ until we had to have major car repairs and things got worst, trying to get him to his app. and to keep food in the house, so there is no money for anything for Christmas, a tree or gifts, or anything to keep his mind going. It is so very hard on us to try to explain to him what and why things are like this, he just does not understand. It does not feel right not being able to do anything at all. I know that Christmas is for children, as it should be, but he is a child, in his mind. Thank-You for reading this. Merry Christmas to You.

2. We fit the criteria to a T, sad to say. I have four kids too, but only have one special sixteen year old left in the roost. My Christopher deserves the best because he's a great kid and makes great grades in school. He helps around the house more than ever since his dad and I got divorced four years ago. I can't afford to give him what he deserves, what all his friends already have. I make less than ten bucks an hour and most of it goes to the bills, food and keeping a roof over our heads. A video game is but a dream. If you still have it available, I respectfully ask that you pass it to my son.

3.

I would like to get this item from you. Let me explain to you why I would like to get this. I have 3 boys. one of my boys is in a wheelchair. he can not walk. he wanted a bike and a playstation 2. the kind of bike he wanted is the kind that you paddle with your hands. that kind is 800.00. we are on disability. we live month 2 month. we have enough to pay bills each month..the only x-mas things the are going to get is from our other family....my son sam also wanted a playstation2 so he could have something to do while his brothers are playing outside seeing he can not ran around like they can. I wanted to get him one but do not have the money. I wanted to make x-mas special for them since my mom died in April and 2 weeks later there other grandma died. then dealing with the fact that this month is the annv date of us finding out there aunt was killed 6 years ago.

Now I know you will have alot of people writing you telling you all kinds of stuff....but i can prove everything i am saying....i can give the website about my sisters killing and i can copy and send to you about my son's disability, and also the obits of his grandmas.....i hope you chose us so i can write on the gift that it is really from a Santa......god bless.

So, door #1, #2 or #3. Keep in mind that some people lie on freecycle just to get free stuff, so that is why I am throwing these out to you guys too. Maybe together, we can choose the right home for this gift.

Leave your vote in the comments:-) And for those of you who NEVER comment, help me out here. Just leave a number.

Five years ago today...

2007-12-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

I promise I won't do this to you again for a long, long time... But, I'll make this one easier. It's my anniversary. Can't believe I have made it five years. Seriously.

Two years ago today.

2007-12-14T09:21:00.000-05:00

That's all I got for now.

Say bye to the spoon!

2007-12-13T20:09:00.000-05:00

Burned on E-bay

2007-12-11T23:43:00.000-05:00

This post is going to be drenched in frustration, but in a few paragraphs, I think you'll understand why. It all began with a simple Christmas list.

I usually ask the kids to write on the top of their list one thing that they really, really want. At the top of my daughter's list was this: pink guitar. Now, with another baby on the way, I probably don't need to explain to you that we are on a serious budget.

No, my kids are not going to wake up to a bazillion different packages under the tree. And they are not going to get everything on their list. (Actually, even when there is extra money, we keep it that way just to keep them balanced.)

Well, I have been e-baying for maybe five years now, and have only had positive experiences until recently. I scoured e-bay for a pink guitar, and one caught my eye. It was advertised as a child's acoustic guitar. I won the item at $20.

The package arrived a week later. When I opened it, I noticed that it was not the same one that had been advertised. This was a way cheaper version. And it was falling apart. Three of the guitar strings were so loose that they made no sound. When we tried to tighten them, it was impossible because the item was defective.

I bid on the above item, listed as a
"Kids Acoustic Guitar"

Here is the item I received. If you look closely, you can see a wooden stick that is apparently in place to keep the strings tight. That little stick falls out when you pick up the guitar, leaving all of the strings loose, and as a result, the guitar makes no sound at all.

I contacted the seller multiple times. Finally, I begged. Below is our correspondence:

Me: Will you please state your exchange policy when it comes to defective items? It's simply a different item than what was bid on, and I am unable to tighten the strings.

Seller: It is a toy and is not meant to play like a high price guitar.

Me: I totally, totally understand that. Completely, I do. I just want my daughter to be able to do just that...play with it. Three of the five strings do not work and the others are not tight. What about in this situation? I definitely do not want her to learn to even play music on this thing. But shouldn't it make some noise when she plays with it?

Please work with me....I know that this is just business to you...to be completely honest, I had just about $20 to spend on each kid this Christmas, which is why I am pulling my hair out over this. I mean, not to send you a sob story, but maybe somehow I can paint a picture for you that we are a real family with very, very little money this Christmas.

I don't care about the money, I just want her to have what she has wanted so badly. I feel really awful about this, mainly because of my child. Money is so, so tight or else I would just toss this is a bin and forget about it. But this year, it is no option. My son wanted a watch and my daughter, a guitar.

Like I said, I know how business can be, but please realize that we are a family. I only have good feedback on ebay. I am not one of those customers who finds ways to complain about non-issues. My husband is in retail and I totally respect what you are doing. The bottom line is that I want a toy guitar that makes some kind of noise when she plays with it.

Seller: That type of guitar is not going to give you or your daughter what you want. You would need to upgrade...to get a fairly decent sound.

Me: I simply want any kind of sound, though. Is this guitar supposed to make any sound at all? The strings are loose and cannot be tightened. Please let me know.

Seller: No, it is just a toy.

Me: It is not supposed to make noise whatsoever? Toy guitars do make noise, though. All of them do, unless they are broken.

Seller: No real sound.

Me: This is what acoustic means: (definition here.) Maybe you should not advertise it as such...

And that is the last I heard from the seller, who is refusing to replace a defective product.

*Big sigh*

Here it is two weeks until Christmas and I just bought a guitar that apparently is supposed to make no sound at all. Who in their right mind would even make a guitar like that? I had to file a complaint with e-bay, and then with paypal, who is reviewing the case.

But that takes 20 days. I am super frustrated, and wanted to take this opportunity to ask if anyone else has been burned online? I know it was just $20, but that's about what I had to spend. I guess the lesson learned here is that you never quite know what you're getting if you can't pick it up in your own hands before you fork over your money.

Anyone know where I can (inexpensively) buy a kid's toy guitar that ummm... makes sound? Actually, we may have to scrap the pink guitar thing this year. But that's exactly why I don't give them everything they always want. I know my daughter. She is going to love whatever she gets-- no thanks to that e-bay scumbag!

Let's throw their name out there for everyone else: Steer clear from a company on E-bay called Musical Wonders or MusicalWonders. This is their email address: marieelenabooks@yahoo.com. The owner's name according to E-bay records is Marie Inzeo out of California. So, there's my buyer beware!! I'd say the proof is in the pictures. What do you think?

If you are going to comment, please comment over here so that I can hear from everyone in the same place and for my other readers. That, and it's work. But you already knew that:-)

85 degrees in December

2007-12-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

That is what I'm living in. I'll take it. I honestly don't think I could live anywhere else. I love the sunshine and I hate the cold.

So, my routine has changed a bit, and I say that with a grimace. It has actually quite pained me, and my body is not used to it yet. You remember (or maybe you don't) when I had my lazy mornings all to myself. I could wake up, get the kids off to school and then curl up with a good morning show and a bowl of cereal or go back to bed if I wanted.

Well those days are gone.

We took Eli out of daycare, because we really needed to eliminate the bill. Once we figured out that our work schedules were totally flexible (if we forced them to be,) we began on Monday, taking turns. Which means, I get to work at 8. Leave around 2. Come home, take over Eli duty and hubby goes to work.

It is work. And let me tell you that I feel like I am working two jobs. Wait a minute, I am totally doing that. Eli is another job.

But it feels so good to know that no one else has any access to him; that we are the only ones feeding, bathing, playing with him. I hate losing my sleep and me-time; but there is such a freedom in not worrying about having the baby at day care.

Today- day 2 of my new routine- I sat down on my bed in the afternoon, and two hours later, I was waking up. Wow, my body really needed that. And Eli had managed to nap when I needed him to, which rarely happens.

So, this is me, saying goodbye to my me-time; and hello to Eli-time.

And I am tired!

Early bird...

2007-12-10T19:01:00.000-05:00

But not that early. Hehehehe.

I realized that on a previous post, I spoke about being up really early with Eli. He was in the kitchen with a waffle and I was on my computer. When I read my comments, I was thinking, sheesh people, it's only 10 minutes until 8 a.m.

I laughed when I looked at the time stamp on my post: 4:50 a.m.

Ooh, I see. Yeah, no. If Eli thinks I am going to get up to feed him waffles at 4 a.m., well, he better get to know his friend, the crib, a little bit better.

I still can't figure out how to change the time zone on this blog. So until then, you can all continue thinking I am supermom - who wakes up before the sun comes out to feed her lovely and perfect babies.

Yeah, only in blog world, right?

Good God Woman!

2007-12-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

First of all, a baby picture. Congrats little Timmy, on the Heis. man. win. I know your momma is proud. She has a really cool story, read it here. P.S., I was one of the first to receive this picture - straight from his mommy.

(A collective awwww...)Now, for my day.

The funniest thing happened to me today! After I took my children to a Santa Visit/Holiday party at a local shopping center, we were famished and so I figured we'd do something cheap and quick. And so we hit Taco Bell, my 3 children and niece.

So we're all sitting down to Tacos. Now, what I usually have to do is bring in Eli's stroller and let him eat from his stroller tray. You know, he doesn't let me feed him. He has to do it himself, and if I put him in a gross highchair, just ewwww.

So I had placed some bite-sized pieces of a soft taco on his tray. This man was sitting not too far away, and Eli started smiling at him. I kind of did a double-take in mind when I heard what he said to me:

"You're feeding him on that tray?! Good God woman!"

Okay, I definitely heard him correctly. I am sure I gave him a really puzzled look and said "Yeah, this is HIS tray that he eats of off."

Like, dude are you serious? But it was so, so funny. I was kind of regretting that I didn't have a grown-up there with me. I needed someone to share that laugh with me; to just get how funny that just was.

(Just so that you understand, he was a little off, I think. He was not just some normal guy thinking that I was truly doing something wrong.)

I mean, I should have run over someone's puppy the way he said "Good God woman!" I felt like I was in a comedy. You know, in my mind, I can imagine Will Ferrell doing that.

So my message to random Taco Bell dude today: Thank you so much for the laugh.

Onto the next Taco Bell comment. (And people think they can randomly talk to me about my kids, why?) This cute little old man took one look at Eli and began beckoning his wife. "Ethyl! Ethyl! Get over here. You have to see these kids!"

Ethyl, a little hunched-over, silver-haired woman, is less impressed than her but she smiles anyway. He goes on to Eli "Where is your mommy?" Eli smiles at me.

And to my daughter, "Where is your mommy?" And she points at me.

And then to my niece, "And where is your mommy?" Oh, no.

Well, my niece (whose mom died two years ago this week,) froze and so I quickly took over. "She is my niece. That is my sister's daughter."

He smiled and eventually, walked away after some more comments.

"You can tell people that your mommy is in heaven if you want," I said. She shook her head no.

"Why?" She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I'm a little embarrassed about that..."

I just smiled. Sometimes you just have to let kids feel how they feel instead of telling them how to feel. I knew that I wasn't supposed to really say anything. "That's okay," I told her.

And then she began eating her "hard taco, only meat, cheese and lettuce," as she orders it. (I always laugh, because that's exactly how they make it, but she always - never fails - says that when ordering from Taco Bell.

Good morning!

2007-12-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

Up waaay too early with the baby, who has just thrown his (plain- i know better than syrup for this baby) waffle on the kitchen floor and is now trying to sweep it up. This is fun. But mainly because he is funny to watch. He gets so frustrated when he can't do something, and actually...this is turning ugly. heh.

So we put our tree up last night. We got a beautiful 7 1/2 foot tree from Freecycle. This is a $180 tree, just gorgeous. My husband was at work, but the kids and I were determined to get it up. We tried everything to get that center piece to go in, but it was so heavy. My husband walks in the door and scoops it up with like one hand and it's done.

I think he might be Superman, lol.

My body hurts sooo much!

2007-12-05T22:17:00.000-05:00

Ever since Sunday (and yes, Melissa, we drove there AND back in one day,) my body has been aching so much. I haven't been able to play catch up yet, either. Work has been kind of hectic. I wanted to have one of those quiet weeks - it has been anything but that.

After going to bed at 2 a.m. on Sunday, I had to work on Monday and then on Monday night, when I should have gone to bed early, I had to stay up until 2 a.m. to write this feature story for the magazine. You know that feature equals extra long, right?

I didn't even get my interviews until Monday morning.

I managed to knock it out, thought. I actually really surprised myself. I was feeling tormented by having to write so much. My creative juices were not flowing. And so I had to force myself. I wanted to do anything but write.

And then my editor at work says to me, can we have that Te...bow piece by Wednesday? Mind you, I hadn't been able to track anyone in his family down at all. I mean, they are all super busy getting ready for this Heis...man thing. That, and his family is not big into media.

Yesterday, I had no time to even begin to pull my interviews together. That meant that this morning, the day I stay home with Eli, I woke up with nothing. No interviews, not one.

And who can work with Eli at your feet?

I just prayed, God help me get this done because I am drained and I just cannot pull this together right now.

When the baby went down for his nap, guess who I was able to (magically) track down? Mrs. Te...bew, the main interview I needed. And then she gave me her older son's cell and her husband's cell and well, everyone's numbers.

I only got the son on the line, who just happened to be between classes. He was really busy, he said. I begged him for just one quick question while I had him on the line. It worked. And when I finally made it to work, the sister (of Tim) had emailed my questions back all the way from South Asia.

It was working out, I couldn't believe it. My editor was bugging me for the story at one point and I just looked at my screen, face flushed and thought, I got nothing! I had the interviews, but the thought of even pulling it together made me want to hide under my covers. I was so drained.

She said, 20 minutes, Suzy and that is when I kicked my butt into high gear and got it done.

Although, not in 20 minutes...heh.

You know, I am really glad I was able to pull it together. Especially when she came over to me and said, "This will be our centerpiece on 1A tomorrow."

In other words, my piece made the front page...whaaaaat?! So, that supposed-to-be sidebar ended up on the front page. Woo hoo!

You should know how to get there. Go check it out:-)

Aching...

2007-12-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

My body hurts so much today. Yesterday, hubby and I drove to South Carolina and back. Ouch! That is not a fun trip, especially at 6 months pregnant.

I will post about our little adventure this week. Took some pictures, cried some sad tears, ate some great food and used some really gross public restrooms....ewwww!

I have pictures, not of the bathrooms thank goodness. But don't have time to post this morning. What I do want to post about is what I just blogged about at work.

I just found out that religiously affiliated day cares, in Florida at least, are completely exempt from having state inspections. What? Don't we give the churches enough breaks with the taxes and everything else. Why should any one get any kind of break when it comes to kids?

I don't care who you are affiliated with.

Go read about it and tell me what you think. Also, what about your state? Is it the same where you live? I am just appalled...

momblog.gainesville.com

Superman

2007-11-30T20:49:00.000-05:00

I really, really hope Superman wins the Heisman. If you are a girl like me, you probably have no idea who I am talking about, unless you live in Gainesville -- which would be cool because then we could do lunch.

So, here's a picture..

Well I interviewed his mom a few months ago and since I have an in, my editor asked me to interview her (and the rest of the fam) right after he wins, if he wins. So, that would be a really cool clip for me - even if it is a sidebar.

Husband is helping me...

2007-11-29T19:05:00.000-05:00

I get so mad at people! I just get so frustrated and I don't know how to bite my tongue sometimes. And then, even when the other person is wrong and an idiot, I get so mad at myself for not being more...controlled.

My hubby is helping me so much with this, though...talking to me instead of getting frustrated like he used to.

This morning, we went on a date to Crackel Barrel. Why do I always have to cry at Cracker Barrel? Between the hormones and the food, I guess I am overwhelmed by stress of the pregnancy and the goodness of fluffy french toast, yummy.

You know what he told me after I snapped his head off. I mean, I was completely out of line. I was mad and I didn't care if I was hurting his feelings.

So he says to me:
"You really get on my nerves sometimes."

I just glared at him. And then he continues. "And even when you do things that drive me crazy, I cannot imagine living my life without you. That's how I know we're supposed to be together."

Well, how was I supposed to respond to that? I was on a roll, smug in my crankiness.

I simply said,

Thank you.

And then my heart skipped a little beat.

People say the dumbest (hurtful) things

2007-11-26T18:26:00.000-05:00

Well, just last night my husband and I were saying how we wish we could take the kids to Disney. "Yeah, we live in Florida and our kids have never gone to Disney," I said. "Maybe one day."

Well, this morning, what was on my desk? Four tickets to Epcot, which we can use for Disney. I could not believe it. Working in the newsroom, I have gotten all kinds of goodies. I even have a drawer stuffed with books, CDs and DVDs that have been dropped off at my desk.

Most of them will be Christmas gifts.

But, these tickets (and the timing of them,) was just really cool.

Now, to bring some balance to my day. Because I can't be walking on air the whole day, now can I?

I was quite delighted (that, dripping with sarcasm) when a woman came to the office today, looking for us to do an article. I actually know this woman from years ago. Her and my mother were friends at the church that I was raised in. She explained to me what she was doing, and I handed her off to our education reporter - because it was what else? education related.

As she leaves, she smiles and says to me "So, all you do is write little kid blogs...and have babies."

(Gosh, I thought you were a much cooler grownup when I was a kid...not so much anymore.)

Gotta love the church folks -- you know the kind...the people who are in church four times a week and still find ways to like... say crappy things.

Hurts even worse when the dumb things people say are the very things you are struggling with. Like you know when you have just had a baby, and some little bratty kid says to you "When are you having the baby?"

Thanks, like I didn't know my tummy looked like this.

Or like when your friends tell you that your financial situation actually makes them feel better about themselves (read last post.)

Apparently, many people's brains do not have a screening mechanism. Honestly, I would NEVER say those things to people -- even joking.

Yep, I have certainly been struggling with feeling accomplished as a writer. Oh yes, but all I do is write little kid blogs....and have babies.

2007-11-25T18:57:00.000-05:00

My husband read my blog one night and said to me, "Why do you put that stuff (foreclosure, finances, etc.) out there?

And you know what I told him? "I am not ashamed to talk about my life. I know we are just going through something and when things are great, I want people to understand what God has just done for us."

I think he understood where I was coming from; and after a phone call with a certain girlfriend, I think I understood where he was coming from. Now, online, I am quite transparent. But in my real life, I choose a select few to be that transparent with.

(Understand that MOST of my real life friends do not read this blog.)

Well, I think maybe I should choose more carefully.

So, I was talking to said girlfriend about the foreclosure and how mad it made me that that mortgage company refused to work with us. I was also telling her how hubby was having trouble finding a decent job because of his background.

She says to me, "You know, after talking to you...I feel so much better about myself."

(Thanks, glad I could help you out with that, I was thinking.)

Now, keep in mind, that I know this girl very well. She had no idea how that just came out. She can be young, naive with her words.

I honestly could have said something similar to her. "You know, after talking to you about your relationship, I feel so much better about my own." But, you know I. would. never. Mainly, because I don't compare myself in that way with my friends.

Now, I wouldn't ever say something like that to a friend, but some people I guess do not know better. But, I did learn a HUGE lesson - that I don't have to tell the details for people to see God working in our lives. They'll see it without my help, right?

Online, though, I honestly feel differently. I know I have this blog so that people can learn from my life. And when I write, I write about my life -- the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly.

I do it for myself as well.

(Taking a deep breathe.)

Real life relationships can be so complicated. Much more than online ones. I have to keep in mind that real life and online life...two totally different things.

Thanksgiving 2007...

2007-11-23T19:28:00.000-05:00

was fabulous.

I woke up to the sound of clippers, and walked in on this! "You can't give him his FIRST hair cut without telling me first, are you crazy?! I need the camera! Where's the camera?!"

This is a couple weeks before the hair cut.

Eli seemed to enjoy the very thing that traumatized my oldest son when he was little- the loud, cold clippers buzzing against his head. He thought it was rather funny.

After the hair cut, hubby made french toast and scrambled eggs and grits.

"You can't cook a huge breakfast on Thanksgiving Day. We're going to eat in a few hours. Are you crazy?!"

We caught a bit of the Macy's Parade and a few minutes later, I found hubby in the bedroom, watching ESPN and pouting. Apparently, I was being a grouchy woman all morning. (Complain, complain, complain.)

And so, to shut him up..heh, I gave him an early dessert. Haha. No complaints there.

Around 2 p.m., we walked into my brother's house. The turkey was almost ready and everything was in ins proper place...everything but his wife. Apparently they got in a huge fight right before all of their company arrived and she left.

So, there he was, by himself. Oh, grab a beer and enjoy yourself. We're family. We don't care.

They've only been married for a year and I remember how I had perfected the storming out routine during that first year, especially on holidays.

Eli was ready to eat...even the pumpkin decorations.

And he was ready to drink...the beer, not the milk from his sippy cup.

One of my favorite parts of the day was the huge bonfire. After we stuffed ourselves with tons of food, we roasted marshmallows. Although at this point, we had to ban Eli from being outside. I swear he was trying to run into that fire. "It's shiny and bright. How can that possibly be bad for me?"

As the day wound down, brother's wife walks in. They made up and we all sat down to this yummy dessert that she made.

I NEED your recipes

2007-11-21T10:09:00.000-05:00

please. When I get off work, I am supposed to be going to pick up the stuff for my pie and I have zero recipes. Any favorites at all, guys? See the link below. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!

Homemade pie recipes needed please...

2007-11-20T15:38:00.001-05:00

I am collecting them here and will choose one to make. Thanks for the support.

Happy birthday little sister.

2007-11-18T10:01:00.000-05:00

She would have been 26 today.

Lastnight was perfect.

2007-11-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

After work, I came home and we had all planned to drive out to the Wal Mart Supercenter. Normally, not a big fan of Wal Mart on a Friday night because I knew it would be bumping like a club...heh. But we needed to buy the kids' winter clothes. Which, in Florida, really means pants and some hoodies.

We figured we'd go to the Supercenter, which is about 20 miles away, so that we could also pick up our thanksgiving dinner. But right before we got ready to head out the door, my mother called to say that my brother volunteered to do the Turkey at his house and that we could all bring some sides.

Somehow she accidentally agreed to watch the kids for about an hour so that we could go to our Wal Mart (two minutes away) and get the kids' clothes.

We ran them over there before she changed her mind. "One hour only," she said. "Yeah, okay."

I was starving, but really happy to be just hanging out with my husband. Our original plan (with the kids) was something fast, something cheap. But now I wanted to sit, breathe, relax and talk with another grown up.

We stopped at Sonny's and (always on a budget,) split a meal. It was the best one I had in so long, probably because it was just the two of us. We had a roast beef sandwich on buttery garlic bread, salad bar for him, hot potato soup for me, a loaded potato for me. I also managed to slurp down a large bubbly Coke.

I was stuffed.

An hour later and we were just stepping into Wal Mart, where we managed to get all the kids' clothes on the gift card. Didn't have to spend a dime.

Some days I feel so poor. I know we just need to pull ourselves out of this rut and it is a process. But little moments (and shared meals, alone with my husband,) makes me forget my money problems.

Because those are the true rich moments in life.

God, even when I struggle with lack, I am always grateful for those things you give me everyday.

If you wear Crocs...

2007-11-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

please tell me about it at work. I am thinking about buying a pair and I need some feedback.

Road-rage psychos and the angels among us

2007-11-13T18:59:00.001-05:00

Mmm..my belly is nice and full. Just got home from Beef O' Brady's with the family.

Today was crazy. My morning began around 9 a.m. when I lazily climbed out of bed to get ready for work. Around 10, I was headed out. I remembered that I had to swing by Publix for a few things on my way to work (yogurt, crackers, water for the day.)

I remember waiting, waiting, waiting for this car so that I could turn out of my neighborhood, Finally, I said screw it and turned in front of him. A few minutes later I am getting out of my car in Publix when this guy walks right up top me (as in, in my personal space.)

He has this little kid with him, looked to be about 4 years old. "You need to learn how to NOT RUN A STOP SIGN, lady!"

I looked at him, then glanced at his kid and said nothing. He gets closer. "Do you hear me, lady? Do you hear me? Oh, now you want to act all crazy...Man, f*ck that. You gone mess round wit da wrong nigga and end up wit a miscarriage."

You know what I wanted to say to him, right? A couple of things like, "Man, I feel so sorry for your kid; and "you're probably going to beat your girlfriend when you get home because I pissed you off..."

He was the type of guy who would not dare step to my husband. But he sees me, a woman, big and pregnant, and gets in my face.

If I hadn't seen that poor little kid there, I don't think I could have bitten my tongue.

So the guy's still right behind me and so I walk up to the customer service counter. At this point, he leaves to do some shopping I guess, and I tell them that "one of your customers just threatened me..."

He gets his donuts (he probably had the munchies, right?) and sees me talking to the manager. "Call the cops, I don't give a f*ck!," he yells.

Whoa. Wow. I mean, people really act this way and in front of their kids?

I end up trying to brush it off. "Center yourself," I say to myself. "Breathe, this is NOT going to be a bad day."

But all I can think about is that kid and the woman who he calls mommy. I can tell you that I know this type of guy. He is a (girlfriend) beater. (You know, cause he doesn't ever marry the girl,) and he probably does it in front of his little kid.

I finally get to work, and pull myself together. I had to tell myself, "It was not your fault, he was a stupid and nasty guy." When things happen, my subconscious always finds a way to whisper to me, "What is it about you, what did you do wrong?"

Wait a minute, that might be my mother's voice from my childhood..heh.

Follow me for a minute, okay?

My prayer recently to God has been "God I need to hear you, see you, feel you," because lately I had put him in the same category as religion, something I have been very cynical about lately. And so I needed to see hear him, see him, feel him in my life.

At our last church, we were taught that if you don't tithe exactly 10 percent that you were "robbing God." Well at church on Sunday, I felt like God said to me to give something, anything in faith. And so we wrote a measly $10 check. It is what we had.

At the bottom of the check, I scrawled "In Faith," and kind of laughed about it.

We had done the bills that night and we both wanted to cry. "We need to buy winter clothes for the kids," but we had no money. That night, we went to bed feeling defeated.

Okay, back at work this morning....

The road-rage guy had just pissed me off, when an hour into work, the phone rings. It was a woman whose grandson played football with my son's team recently. "I have something for you," she said.

When she told me what it was, I cried, right there at my desk.

The tears came when she said, "Actually, it's for your children."

That day (today), she handed me a $150 gift card to Wal-Mart. And when she did that, I remembered the check and how I had written "In faith."

"You have no idea how on time this is," I said. She said, "No, I really don't. I just pray and God tells me who to give what to."

She doesn't even really know us.

After my close call with psycho man, I realized that God was smiling down on me, again, in my life. I heard him at church, I saw him through the woman who handed me that gift card and I felt him for the first time in a very long time.

I called my husband and told him "We have more than enough for the kids' clothes now." He could not believe it.

All that to say, God, I have missed you.

More at home.

2007-11-12T19:08:00.000-05:00

I feel a little more at home, here. Not sure why. I just do. Maybe because I started with blogger. I like this template. It's way more me than the blah blue over at WP.

You all probably think I am crazy for moving around so much (trying to find my blog-self,) but to the few still following, I think you are crazy for still being here. Just kidding! I have made some great, great relationships through this blog.

Soon, I will have faithinflorida.com back so that no matter how much I move, the address will always be the same. Thank (you) God for faithinflorida.com being parked for me. Thanks to Eddo for doing that, so no one could snatch it for no good reason.

I will keep all my archives over at WP for now and eventually, will find a way to have everything the way I need it to be.

So, on the news front: I know you all heard about Kanye West's mom. Very sad. I was going to interview her once but it never happened. I wrote about it at work.

I also recently wrote about toys being made in China. Who knew that 85 percent of our children's toys are made in China? Did you know that? Does anyone out there at all strive to buy American made. If so, I'd like to hear from you here.

Hey, and thanks for following me -- if you are still here.

Frustrated in Florida

2007-11-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

I am, at this point in my life, feeling extremely frustrated. I have all these dreams but every time something seems to be in my grasp, it is snatched away from me. I feel cursed in a way, like I am not supposed to get very far. Like I have the abilities to do so many great things, but there is this wall.

And so I wait patiently as I always do.

But it seems that as I wait, I am watching my dreams float away.

I am simply...frustrated today.

Well, I am going to leave my archives up at wordpress. But I am no longer impressed with Wordpress. It's been a while now, but when I wanted to use a template and they told me I had to pay, I was like...fughetit.

So, I'm back with blogger. And you know that when I left, someone jumped on my faithinflorida.blogspot name. At first I was pissed, especially since this person does not use it at all anymore. But, who really cares?

This is where you'll find me. Hopefully no more moving around. I'm getting tired of it myself. But come on Wordpress, you are offering a service for money that blogger offers for free.

So, I'm back with my old buddy.

test.

2007-11-03T20:23:00.001-04:00